keyser blogs

Not one of my better efforts but I am in a right old mood at the moment and wanted to let off steam! :)

I can feel the bile rising
In the back of my throat at your name
The open wounds I suffer
The result of your two-timing game

Which face do you wear today?
The one that says you love me really
The one I craved to behold
Or will I see the cold visage so clearly?

   We're just strangers in the same room
   Locked together till you leave me
   My imagination knows that we're doomed
   Until you choose to use that key.

Ours was never a great love
I always had the feeling I didn't belong
You damn took away my heart
You always were the one who was strong

   We're just strangers in the same room
   Locked together till you leave me
   My imagination knows that we're doomed
   Until you choose to use that key.

It's really nobody's fault
Desperation knows no one to blame
Your secret is safe with me
The private lover must have no shame

I miss those far off days
When we could talk like normal folk
And we didn't need others
Not till that innocent trust you broke

Don't show me your pity
Don't show me your kindness
Cos for you I only have
Emotional blindness...

I was bored so I had a go at these. They are universally crap but then i am not very good at making these things up! If you aren't mentioned it's probably because your nickname is too hard to rhyme!!! (Or maybe I just don't like you enough, hehehe)

There once was a lass called Lisa
Whose behaviour was like Mother Theresa
But as part of her plan
She found a good man
With a cock like the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

There once was a lass called Max
Who about sex knew all the main facts
She loved to masturbate
About this there's no debate
After all, what better way is there to relax?

There once was a lass called Exy
Whose tits were incredibly sexy
They swung this way and that
Each time she showed them in chat
If I missed them then I'd go into apoplexy!

There once was a lass called Polar
Who really loved to be the controller
She would jump right on top
And just would not stop
Even when the poor guy he would holler.

There once was a lass called SDS
Who appeared in a state of undress
No bra, just a slip
To make the boys flip
And beat their meat, oh what a spunky mess.

There once was a lady called Scotslass
Whose tits were certainly first class
They stuck out a mile
But then after a while
They started drooping right down to her ass.

There is a young lass called Starfucker
Who is the world's greatest cock-sucker
She's done all the Mounties
And each of the Home Counties
But just once with a long-distance trucker.

Squidgy is a horny young thing
She is always up for a fling
But open your mouth
Reveal you're from South
And from Squidgy you'll always get nothing.

There once was a lass called Truday
Whose best friends all turned out to be gay
They had fun and frolicks
Didn't miss any bollocks
Oh how they loved to live that way!

Oh when I met you girl, you were the one for me
Little did I know that you'd tell me this
That I wasn't quite the number one guy for you
Your lips told the whole story when we'd kiss

Walking on water was never good enough for you
No matter what I did it was always second best
You loved your designer label clothes and jewels
Looking like a million dollars, better than the rest

   There was always someone better than me
   I could never satisfy you like you wanted
   And now you're gone, I sit alone watching TV
   Your lost love, oh it just leaves me haunted

All your put-downs and your smart remarks
They took their toll and made me so bitter
Our car-crash love affair had no real future
More worn-out chrome than sparkling glitter

   There was always someone better than me
   I could never satisfy you like you wanted
   And now you're gone, I sit alone watching TV
   Your lost love, oh it just leaves me haunted

      If only I'd been some kind of Superman
      Or a modern day Casanova
      Then maybe our love would've had more of a chance
      To become a supernova

But in the love-stakes I was sadly lacking
You told me so many times, nearly every day
In the end I wasn't sure I was still living
I  tried so hard but ended up fading away

   There was always someone better than me
   I could never satisfy you like you wanted
   And now you're gone, I sit alone watching TV
   Your lost love, oh it just leaves me haunted

Looks like you've found someone else to make you happy...

Now I've seen a lot of movies
And I've read my fill of books
But I still can't seem to get it right
She's giving me those strange looks

I thought that she would know it all
Teach me what I need to learn
Seems each time I touch her pretty skin
My hands, they start to itch and burn

   Cos I don't know those strange moves
   The ones that bring us closer together
   When we're lying in our bed, oh so near
   It seems like we'll be apart for forever

My friends all say it's natural
Like learning to talk or riding a bike
Guess I'm stuck in second gear
Looks like I'm hitting that third strike

   Cos I don't know those strange moves
   The ones that bring us closer together
   When we're lying in our bed, oh so near
   It seems like we'll be apart for forever

      I've tried and I've tried but I still don't know
      Those mystery moves under the covers
      Won't someone show me the real way to go?
      So that me and my gal can be lovers...

I'm fumbling and I'm stumbling, yeah
My girl, oh she's just the same as me
No clue together, two sailors of love
We're lost, cast adrift on the open sea

   Cos I don't know those strange moves
   The ones that bring us closer together
   When we're lying in our bed, oh so near
   It seems like we'll be apart for forever

Oh my God, these things are just FLOWING out of me now LOL I am having the best fun writing them....Think this one might be a bit controversial :)

Tonight I'm gonna screw ya, screw ya, screw ya
Tonight I'm gonna screw ya

Meet you in the park, out late at night
Push you to the ground, until it feels right
Stick both my fingers deep into your hole
Lie back and take it, you follow your role

Tonight I'm gonna screw ya, screw ya, screw ya
Tonight I'm gonna screw ya

You've been around and you know the score
You're just a scabby, drug-taking whore
Wanna treat you bad, you make me feel so sick
But still I want you, girl, can you feel my hard prick?

Tonight I'm gonna screw ya, screw ya, screw ya
Tonight I'm gonna screw ya

Dress like a tart in your leather and jeans
Looking for love, you don't know what it means
Just outta sch-ool, didn't get much learning
Won't go back now, cos of what you're earning

Tonight I'm gonna screw ya, screw ya, screw ya
Tonight I'm gonna screw ya

Treat you rough, just like a real man should
Nail you right here, make you feel so good
Can't last now, gonna shoot my load inside you
Have to leave, no time to lie beside you

Tonight I'm gonna screw ya, screw ya, screw ya
Tonight I'm gonna screw ya

Screw ya!!!

Out of all the blogs I have written, this one I enjoyed the MOST!  I had a great time thinking it up! :)

I'm so bored with this life
Nothing to do or say
Concrete all around me
It's just one big ashtray

I ain't got no money
Clothes all ripped and torn
Useless and worth fuck all
Wish I'd never been born

Look me in the eye and I'll slash your face
I ain't got no time for the human race
I'm a punk rocker and I hate you all
Kick you in the guts gonna make you crawl

On the Dole, handouts for me
No career, just a boring job
Part of a gang, punks just like me
Feel alive in that pogoing mob

Look me in the eye and I'll slash your face
I ain't got no time for the human race
I'm a punk rocker and I hate you all
Kick you in the guts gonna make you crawl

Feeling the agony I cut myself to pieces
Let the blood out but still the pain increases
People say I'm going crazy, maybe they're right
I got a fuse in my head that's ready to ignite

I feel so strange and weird
Walking the street people stare
Laser beams in my back
But maaaan I just don't care

Look me in the eye and I'll slash your face
I ain't got no time for the human race
I'm a punk rocker and I hate you all
Kick you in the guts gonna make you crawl

So you can just fuck off
If you wanna judge, see?
You're so straight and normal
You make me glad I'm ME!

Written at 12:15am whilst in a full chatroom, surrounded by people but feeling alone and with no one to really talk to :(

12:15 at night
Alone in a room full of folks
12:15 at night
Feel like the butt of so many jokes

Here I sit right now
There's laughter all around me
But here I sit right now
With lonely thoughts that surround me

Put on my happy face, be like the rest
Kid myself that things will turn out for the best
Don't let the mask slip or they will see
The sad lonely person inside of me

Staring at the screen
Showing faces, bodies and words of sex
Staring at the screen
Nothing I relate to, just leaves me perplexed

Put on my happy face, be like the rest
Kid myself that things will turn out for the best
Don't let the mask slip or they will see
The sad lonely person inside of me

Drives me crazy, wild with frustration
This kind of feeling could destroy a nation
Wanna smash things up, destroy instead of create
If I can't have love then maybe I'll find hate

No feelings at all
Looking at things around me with bemusement
No feelings at all
People treat me bad for their own amusement

Put on my happy face, be like the rest
Kid myself that things will turn out for the best
Don't let the mask slip or they will see
The sad lonely person inside of me

Why am I here now?
Letting life slip by me as I watch you all
Why am I here now?
The company of others just makes me feel small

Put on my own face, don't be like the rest...

Well....

Things get a little motionless
Devoid of all emotions cos
Nothing good is left in me
Feelings are bereft in me

Gonna break down, break it down yeah

I am living lost and lonely
With my company I'm only
Staring into empty spaces
And not seeing friendly faces

I'm gonna break down, break down yeah

I always wanted something that was out of my reach
And I never was one for flying high
I wander lonely as a cloud down here in my sewer
Looking up in hope at that clear blue sky

I'm gonna break down, break it down yeah

My engine has run out of oil
And all my pretty plans are foiled
Blank canvas stares out at me
Showing no one cares for me

It's gonna break down, break it down yeah

Well now here we are, the last verse
And for me it's always getting worse
Now's the time, no ifs or buts
Until I feel those razor cuts...

A break down, final break down yeah!

I just want someone to love
And who'll love me back
Ignore all my bad points
Treat me as an equal

But what do I get?
Loneliness and heartache
No chance for happiness
Not even in a cyberworld

Looking different from the rest
Is a curse I have to bear
God plays dice with our appearance
A lottery of winners and losers

But what do I get?
No one to care for me
No one to go to bed with me
No one to share intimate moments

My feelings of desire and lust
Are the same as any other man's
But without a prayer of being satisfied
Reduced to a single act of self-pleasure

But what do I get?
Just a screen to look at women
Only seeing their fleshy parts
And never being able to really touch

There is a lovely woman that I know
Who always makes me smile.
It’s clear that when her name does show
In the room, I’ll be laughing all the while.

On entering into our little domain
She has to say her “Hello”s
I’ll pass her a full glass of pomaigne
And hope her ardour mellows!

Cos she is one sexy little bear
I’m sure you know who’s who
A lady this great is indeed very rare
Yes, even here on yuvutu...

Hot Polar Bear, for that is her name
Looking at cams is not for her
Erotic stories, they are her game
And give a sheen to that white fur.

Her cut and thrust, they know no bounds
She can bring you down at will.
When the room is listening to my sounds
Radio Taffita she’ll be playing – STILL!

Of course we all love her main assets
That’s why her vids get lots of hits
She has many other sides and facets
But you all know I mean her..........eyes!

For trolls and creeps she has no time
Polar blocks them; I can tell
She thinks that trolling is a crime
And the sentence carried out in Hell!

She’s older, yes but so young at heart
And she looks a proper peach
Cupid took aim and shot his dart
But alas Polar’s always out of reach...

She treats me mean but I just love it
She has a heart of gold, it’s true
If I get too soppy she’ll say “Shove it!”
But Polar, baby – I LOVE YOU!!!

Squidgy is a fascinating creature, so weird.
Beautiful to behold but also to be feared,
For her bite is certainly worse than her bark
And on many men she has left her wicked mark.

Try to understand her and you'll get lost in
Strange new meanings, like bubbles and bostin'...
A rhythmic new language from a mover and a shaker.
"Speak English" we say but no one can make her.

She can make you laugh so much until u cry.
I began to think one night that I might die
If she kept on spouting funny lines and jokes
(Says she wants me dead but I think it's just a hoax)

To look at she's really a honey and a peach,
To be brutally honest she is way out of my reach.
One of the best looking girls here on 'yuvutu',
Together with a fadge that's unrivalled too...

When she appears on cam the room fills up so quick.
The trolls come out for her, makes her feel really sick.
She blocks them all; no one needs to advise her.
The only troll she leaves alone is her little Keyser!

So how to sum up our little Squidgy in words and verse?
She's unique, amazing, sexy and one in a universe...
If I ever meet her in the flesh, there's one thing I would do
And that's say to her, in that special way, "I do love you"...

Sometimes she is funny
Sometimes she is sexy
But all of the time I know
She is the one and only Exy :)

A small window on a computer screen
Crosses the boundaries of space
Let's me see that special person
As I gaze on her beautiful face

I think the world of her
How she laughs and smiles
And the things she does
Just dissolves the miles...

...between us, as we speak.
She always has time to chat
And now she has found another man
I am learning to live with that

Truly one in a million
A pearl amongst the swine
The only thing wrong with her
Is that she isn't mine...

Of all the ladies on here
There's one who makes me feel
So good inside
When we talk one to one

She has a spiritual side
That's so calm and beautiful
And it eases my pain
With this modern world

Her humour is so good
And the same as mine
We make each other laugh
And I love every minute

To see her smile
Is wonderful to behold
She looks so lovely
I want to hold her close

Whisper sweet nothings
And feel her warmth
The warmth i can now only feel
Across a computer screen...

Following the detailed article regarding the life and times of our intrepid hero, there has been some interest expressed (well, one person asked) about what happened to Keyser during the 'missing' years of 1982-1999. I thought long and hard about undertaking the almost Herculean task of finding out the answer to this but, deciding that the public must have all the facts, I convinced myself to try and discover some truths behind this dark period. I was prepared for difficulties along the way - what i wasn't prepared for were the lies, half-truths and downright dangerous traps laid by Keyser in his efforts to conceal his activities. Read on, then, for the inside story on one of yuvutu's most enigmatic characters....

1982: My first expose involves the year of the Fa*klands War. I managed to obtain access to secret MI5 files which show an Operative 516 (codename "Keyser") being planted on the Falkland Island just before the outbreak of hostilities. He is undercover as a sheep farmer but his real task is to collate facts about the island's defence capabilities. Apparently he does this by pretending to have a hobby of sheep-riding (a realistic probability as he is only 5' 3" tall) and rides around the island on Dolly, his favourite sheep. Operative 516 is allowed to roam wherever he likes due to the Argentinian soldiers laughing at the sight of him whipping a Merino sheep shouting "Faster! Faster, Dolly!". The significant fact remains that 2 days after the operative left the island, war broke out between Argentina and Britain. The intelligent guess must be that our Keyser was, in fact, Operative 516.

1983: The first US Cruise missiles arrive at Greenham Common airbase in Britain on 14 November. A women's 'peace camp' grows up outside the airbase, which lasts for decades. A founding member of the camp, one K. Sozenby, has a suspiciously deep voice, small bosom and large thyroid gland. However, in the atmosphere of the camp this is seen as nothing unusual.

1984: American and French scientists independently discover HIV, the human immuno-deficient virus responsible for Aids. According to the records held in the American Medical Centre, Washington DC, a K. Snooze worked as a cleaner in one of the laboratories where the virus was discovered. It has long been rumoured that, on his overnight shift, Mr. Snooze accidentally knocked over a petri dish containing enzymes into another similar dish and therefore discovered the virus himself, with the scientists claiming responsibility themselves the next morning. Settlment payments of $1,000,000 to Mr. Snooze have not been confirmed.

1985: On 10 July in Auckland harbour, New Zealand, French secret agents sink the Rainbow Warrior (the flagship of Greenpeace) - an environmental campaigning group that is protesting against French nuclear testing in the Pacific. Keyser was rumoured to have been a member of the CIA and to be working on Black Ops; it would have been quite feasible for him to have infiltrated the French secret agents involved and to have helped them carry out their mission. It is known, for example, that a single member of the agents swam underneath the Rainbow Warrior in order to plant limpet mines on its hull: Keyser holds a 50m swimming certificate.....

1986: The British pop group the Pet Shop Boys begin their long career with their first hit 'West End Girls'. It is not widely known that the original incarnation had 3 members. Alongside Neil Tennant and Chris Lowe, there stood Keefer Soulsy, apparently a virtuoso on that oft-forgotten instrument, the kazoo. Early demos of "West End Girls" reveal a blistering solo by Keefer which takes the song to a whole new level. However, before the song's eventual remix and release, 'musical differences' between Keefer and the other two members resulted in a break-up. Many people expected Keefer to continue his career and change the way the whole popular music trend of 1986 was going, taking it into uncharted "kazoo folk rock" territories, but instead he just seemed to disappear from sight. Could Keefer have actually been our Keyser? You decide.

1987: On 16 October, the 'Great Storm' – the worst for three centuries – sweeps over south-east Britain. There is widepread destruction throughout the country but also numerous tales of attempts at heroic bravery. A woman in Chesterfield was saved when a mysterious stranger managed to push her out from underneath a falling tree - unfortunately she landed in front of a passing car and sustained serious injuries. In Derby, a man risked certain death to stop an apparently runaway ambulance as it sped down the B6014. Swerving to avoid the stranger, the ambulance ploughed into 5 civilians waiting in line for a bus, instantly killing them all. The ambulance was, in fact, on its way to an emergency heart attack case - the patient later died. And in Glasgow, Jock McDonald, the owner of a fish 'n' chips establishment, was busy serving customers when a man rushed into the shop and dived headfirst into the tubs of batter - moments later the weakened ceiling collapsed on top of him, but the man's body prevented 'batter splatter' to all the customers and Jock himself. Despite sustaining 3rd degree burns, the man himself was unrepentant. "I tried to get him to go to the hospital," said Jock McDonald, 52, "but all he wanted was the reward of a deep-fried Mars Bar." In each of the above documented cases, the mystery man involved was identified as having pink hair.....

KEYSER SOZE: THE MISSING YEARS 1988 - 1993 will follow soon.....

This is dedicated to someone special....

Since I joined the chat in yuvutu
I've adored a certain woman who
Makes me feel like a real man
The way that only she can
Not by showing her body on cam
But by talking to the person i am
On the inside, treating me the same
As she does others, no game
For her. She is the real thing
Her beauty makes my heart sing
I love to make her laugh out loud
To single her out in the middle of a crowd
And whisper those private words
Between just us two (and the birds)
Our moments together I treasure so dear
The feelings in my heart are crystal clear
A friendship I shall always cherish
Till mountains crumble and seas perish...

AND...

She always manages to arouse us
Keyser, keep your hand out of your trousers!
I wonder if her name you can guess?
It's the one and only ............

Just a general kind of question...... have you got to know someone on here by chatting to them, liking them, maybe even lusting or falling for them....only to change your mind when you see them on cam??? Do looks matter? Perhaps maybe you'd like to think they don't, but deep down they do? Would really liking someone depend on what they looked like or could you overcome that? Let me know!

Answers on a postcard, please.....

(BTW this is not some weird post designed to find out if anyone would fancy me, i am genuinely interested in opinions!)

(However, if anyone DOES fancy me, please let me know and I will give you all my worldly possessions, my love and my admittedly small c*ck too) :)

1964: Mrs. Margaret Soze, the wife of an immigrant Czech handyman, gives birth to their first and only ch*ld. It is a boy, and they name it Keyser. He is an exceptionally cute baby with a sweet disposition. Little did they know that within 45 years Keyser would be one of the most wanted men on www.yuvutu.com

1969: Keyser starts to attend infant sch**l but does not mix well with the other ch*ldren. On his first day a pint of milk somehow ends up being poured over his crotch, necessitating urgent removal of his shorts. This will prove to have a devastating psychological effect on the young boy as he grows up and to this day he instantly gets an erection when he sees a full milk bottle. This affliction will lead to an unfortunate incident in his local corner shop when Keyser is present as a milkman makes his daily delivery.

1976: Whilst the rest of London seethes with the hot weather and the beginnings of the musical movement known as Punk Rock, Keyser attends senior sch**l dressed in a tank top and checked trousers. This easily marks him out as a target for the sch**l bully and he is threatened with having his head thrust down a toilet bowl. However, in a bizarre act of almost heroic bravery, Keyser launches into a tap dance routine whilst singing "Over The Rainbow" at full volume - this act of unnerving weirdness alone will safeguard him from any further trouble.  Teachers and pupils alike avoid him for the rest of his schooldays, so Keyser has to educate himself armed only with two books - "The Rise & Fall Of The Roman Empire" and "A Guide To Botany". He becomes expert in the art of violent flower arranging.

1980: Keyser undertakes his final examinations. During a Maths exam, with the t**nager's volatile hormones raging, he is unfortunately told to sit next to Marsha Brunswick, a buxom blonde aged 15¾. This has a remarkable effect on Keyser and he inadvertantly mixes a torrid love note to Marsha with his exam paper. This results in Keyser being expelled from sch**l. Marsha Brunswick later becomes a maths teacher.

1981: Keyser starts his first job, working as a clerk in an air conditioning firm. He likes it and gets on well with the staff there, often going out with them after work hours. But a late-night incident in London's Soho district involving a coke bottle, a video camera and the company's female secretary will see Keyser lose his cherished job. He becomes depressed and attempts to start a life of petty crime, although this career is doomed to failure due to his inability to complete even the simplest of thefts. His attempt to steal some rubber bands from a local stationery store is foiled when one of the bands snags on the door and rebounds Keyser back into the shop, and the debacle that became known as "The Porno Mag Incident" is best left undisclosed.

1982: A job in local government is the next step for Keyser. The post is held in an imposing, monolithic building but Keyser's spirit remains undaunted: "The building has not been built that can hold me," he tells a colleague, "And I'll get out of this one if it means spending my entire life here..." Some 26 years later, Keyser is still in the same building.

1982 - 1999: Sightings of Keyser for this long period are rare and undocumented. Some say he was a refugee in Santiago, others that he worked for the CIA on Black Ops. Still others are convinced that Keyser spent three years posing as an Argentinian general. A rumour that Keyser stood behind the Pope on the balcony at St. Peter's Square in 1993 cannot be confirmed. What is known for certain is that he appeared in Paris in 1997 as a mildly successful cabaret singer called "Buster BoJangles" in the Moulin Rouge, and the following year he was spotted in Iraq syphoning off "black gold" from the many abandoned oil fields. These 17 years seem to be a dark period for Keyser during which he did not shave or bathe, and his thinning, greasy hair had been dyed pink, possibly as a cry for help.

2000 - 2008: The Millenium celebrations marked a triumphant return into the limelight for Keyser. He spends it with an internet colleague and forges a meaningful relationship with her which will last to this day. Keyser learns to hurl his tennis racket with unfailing accuracy at small rodents and makes lifesize models of Queen Anne chairs out of broken matchsticks. A visit to a local pub, however, results in a charge of "indecent exposure" when a bet over a pool match goes horribly wrong. In 2002, at a Sex Pistols reunion concert in Finsbury Park, Keyser is mistakenly identified as Johnny Rotten and appears onstage in front of 5,000 people. No one notices that anything is wrong.

Present day: Today, Keyser is fairly contented in his home, surrounded by his meagre possessions and family heirlooms. He landscapes gardens for free, knits tea cosies, and cavorts with titled ladies. He pogos, he piruettes, he glides. He writes threepenny operas and sells them to rich financiers for large sums of money. He advises monarchs on sensitive issues of state, sings opera every evening for 2 hours, and makes jam butties for his tea. And sometimes - just sometimes - when he is feeling frisky, he trolls.....